So you think you are ready to have children ….. October 25, 2012

Howdy All,

I came across this article recently and I could not stop laughing. It is worthy of a re-post. Enjoy:

So you think you are ready to have children ….

Originally posted on UK parenting website Mamami, the 14-part test will have you holding your sides with laughter.

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

a. Wait.
b. Go out the front door.
c. Come back in again.
d. Go out.
e. Come back in again.
f. Go out again.
g. Walk down the front path.
h. Walk back up it.
i. Walk down it again.
j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
l. Retrace your steps.
m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
n. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

Have a great day

Luke Eres CFP SSA

Sad but true …… March 14, 2012

Morning All,

Today I re-post a joke which I received from my darling friend Judith

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying?

He said, “If the current government is in office much longer – tinned food, a generator, water, and ammunition, are your best bets.”

As always Judith has a way of putting a smile on my face. God bless you Jude!

Have a great day all

Luke Eres

Lessons in Life ……. from a 90 year old master! February 16, 2011

Morning All,

I hope that today’s post finds you well.

I came across this little gem via email and in truth it has a lot of relevance to life in general and I thought that it would be great to share it with you all. Enjoy

This was rritten by a REALLY smart 90 year old. This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland ,Ohio.

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more”:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter ?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Fair to say that this young chap speaks a lot of sense. I reckon we should vote him as our next Prime Minister.

A wonderful day to all

Luke

Thursday Morning Funny February 10, 2011

Morning All,

Life has become a little to serious as of late and in an effort to tone it down a little here is a cracker of a gag which relates specifically to our politicians.

Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Incorrect,’ said Gillard. ‘That would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’

‘I’m afraid not’,explained Gillard, ‘that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.

‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

‘If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic’ exclaimed Gillard, ‘and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well’, said Johnny, ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either!’

Have a great day!

Luke

Masterchef ….. You are killing simple food!! October 28, 2010

Howdy All,

In truth this has been something which has been bothering me for a while but I never knew how to articulate this. That said I found a recent article by Joe Hildebrand who I feel has summarised my concerns perfectly. Joe thanks for your contribution …..

The other day I was at a pub, which is not unusual in itself. The pub also had a $10 steak menu, which is also not uncommon. Incredibly, I decided to have a steak.

The woman behind the counter dutifully took the order and then asked what sauce I would like with it. “I’ll just have gravy,” I said.

She looked at me like I was a sex offender.“We don’t have gravy,” she replied.

It was then I realised the terrible truth: Masterchef has made me a monster.

Sure, the pub had béarnaise sauce, diane sauce, pepper sauce and mushroom sauce but the one thing that was actually supposed to go on steak – so much so that it is actually made from steak – was apparently not considered a good combination.

Every day across the country good old-fashioned meals are dying because Australians have become obsessed with consuming pretentious, complicated and exotic dishes that a decade ago they would have reported to the police.

Meanwhile there is an underclass of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people – fine upstanding, citizens – who have been outcast from society for the sole crime of preferring a chop and potato over, say, poached squid noodles with fennel puree.

The pub incident followed another traumatic experience I had had some months earlier at a café which served eggs with ham, smoked salmon, mushrooms and tomato but not – God help us all – bacon.

“Bacon and eggs?” the proprietors had clearly thought to themselves. “That will never catch on.”

But just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse came the last twist of the knife.

Recently I got on a plane, looking forward to my usual treasured ritual of eating a ham and cheese sandwich on the flight. Yet when I looked to the menu I discovered to my horror that the ham and cheese sandwich had suddenly been transformed into “shaved ham, tasty cheese, semidried tomatoes and cos lettuce with seeded mustard and mayonnaise on a fresh tortilla”.

I mean for @#$%‘s sake.

Congratulations Australia, you have managed to kill off a sandwich with its own Wikipedia entry.

And like all acts of great evil it was allowed to happen because good people did nothing. Everyone was so busy whipping up a rabbit and mushroom ragu or trying to make their own crockenbush they failed to notice they were killing a dish whose only crime was to contain all of its ingredients in its title.

What will be next on the extinction list? The humble spag bog?

Too late I’m afraid. It’s already been wiped out by my friend Darrin who, in his endless quest to ingest as much food as possible at all times, decided that the Italians had been getting it wrong for 800 years and the sauce really needed avocado. This is a concept so profoundly retarded that to even argue against it would drag you down to the level of the YouTube monkey that likes to pick its own arse.

This is an outrage that in any civilised country would be a national crisis. And yet no one has the courage to speak out about it. Not even Bono.

Well today I say enough. I can tolerate not being able to interact with my peers and I can tolerate not being able to provide myself with enough physical sustenance to survive but I cannot tolerate the prospect of not being able to get a girlfriend anywhere outside the Gold Coast.

Bring back the sausage roll, bring back the macaroni cheese and for God’s sake bring back peas into fried rice. Yes, that’s right, I went there.

*Admittedly even the original menu item starts out as a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich before I remove the offending tomato. I know there is still some debate about whether it is a vegetable or not but I just can’t take the risk.

A great day to all

Luke

An absolute classic …… October 25, 2010

Victoria Police have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti – tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroin and $5 million in forged Australian banknotes. All were found in a Housing Commission house behind the Collingwood Library.

 

Local residents were stunned.

 

A Community spokesman said,……………….

 

“We were shocked, we never knew we had a library.

10 things we learned from the Commonwealth Games October 19, 2010

Howdy All,

I came across this article by Anthony Sharwood who writes for the punch. A very clever and entertaining read. Enjoy

1. Fat men can be winners

Geoff Huegill won gold by giving up the pizza. Weight lifter Damon Kelly won gold by quite possibly eating more triple cheese super supremes than anyone in history – for breakfast. Whatever works, fellas.

2. You can feed a family Chicken Madras for under $10!

Don’t ask me how I know this. Somehow, the message has subliminally lodged in my brain, along with a really annoying tune… Daa de da-da. Da-da.

3. Who cares if the Games are second best?

Pollster Ross Neilson says the Commonwealth Games are stale and outdated. Well, if you subscribe to that view, I guess you won’t be watching this summer’s Ashes.
After all, what is “international” cricket if not a sport confined to Commonwealth nations? Ditto international rugby (give or take France). Just because we’re playing the pink nations on the world map, doesn’t mean we’re wasting our time.

4. Sally Pearson is a deadset, dinky di Aussie superstar.

Wow. What a champion. Sally Pearson is a bit kooky, extremely resilient and incredibly fast. Please Sal, when the women’s mags inevitably come knocking, don’t let them mould you into some horrible plastic artifice. Keep being yourself because we, the public, just love you.

5. New Zealand is crap at every sport apart from rugby.

We won at least 72 gold medals. The Kiwis won… wait… still panning down the medal tally… Nigeria, Scotland, Singapore, Malaysia… oh, here we are. They won five, give or take the netball final, which is happening just after I write this, but won’t change NZ’s medal tally position either way.

Personally, I think this is karmic payback for Kiwi officials who said the athletes’ village was “unfit for human habitation”. So there was a broken dunny or two. Half of Delhi doesn’t even have plumbing.

6. India is quite good at sports other than cricket.

They won at least 36 gold medals at these Games. If you can’t recall watching an athlete weepily mouthing Jana Gana Mana (The Indian anthem), that’s because you didn’t watch enough shooting, archery, weight lifting, wrestling or boxing. Never mind.

7. Experience in the “Games” environment is priceless.

Young athletes who experience the unusual accommodation, scheduling and media demands of a Games environment at the Commonwealth Games are always better placed to excel at an Olympics.

Look at Steph Rice, who burst onto the scene at Melbourne 2006, then won three golds in Beijing. Expect something similar at London from new swim star Alicia Coutts.

8. Don’t eat Spaghetti Bolognese in India.

Australia’s favourite global dish is not India’s. Something to do with sacred cows, I guess. The Aussies athletes who got Delhi Belly by consuming spag bol in the athletes’ village have only themselves to blame. They should have had Chicken Madras… Daa de da-da. Da-da.

9. Never again believe a city is “not ready”.

I went to Delhi in April, and I couldn’t say the stadiums were in shocking condition because there pretty much were no stadiums. But after various piles of rubble somehow metamorphosed into stadiums at the last minute, the whole shebang went pretty well.

Everything was supposed to be a shambles at the Athens 2004 Olympics, but they, too, went off without any major hitches. I’ll never, ever fall for the “not ready” line again.

10. Terrorists appear uninterested in large sporting events.
You’d be a massive fool to rule out the possibility of a serious terrorist attack anywhere, anytime in the modern world. But recent history suggests that terrorists do not seek landmark events or dates to make their despicable, cowardly statements. Randomness is their weapon of choice, as it’s virtually impossible to defend against.

Bidding you all a great day

Luke

Wednesday Morning Funnies! October 7, 2010

Morning All,

A great client/friend of mine sent through a set of jokes yesterday under the guise of ….. and that’s how the fight started. While not politically correct they were funny none the less. Enjoy and have a fantastic day!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..
________________________________________

I asked my wife,

‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’

she said.

So I suggested,

‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________________
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’

she answered. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying

‘Yes..’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________________
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust’

And then the fight started..
________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started…
________________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed,

‘He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ I said,

‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…
________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And then the fight started…
________________________________________

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.